My brother is what you would call a tough man. Tough man by society, tough man by association, tough man all around. He was my protector and the funniest person I knew.
Beneath the tough man exterior, he was chill, humble and very loving. Yes, he had an annoying side to him, but he was always considerate too.
My brother James is the eldest of us and was often MIA majority of the time. He done things that was against the law but done time for them in the end. He spent life trying to find himself and when he did, time wasn't on his side.
Now, my brother never gave to dang about spirituality or any sort of fairytale endings - he simply didn't believe in them at all. So, if you could imagine my bros expression when I told him "I'm a Tarot Reader and I've created 2 different journals that focused on Gratitude and Self-Love". Of course, he was a bit taken back as he has never believed in Tarot; often making fun of Me because of it. I would find myself defending the art to him, but he never felt the need to believe until.............
he started experiencing spiritual things happening. Let's just say he was finally getting in touch with that side of him which is also a strong part of our whanau. We often talked about signs and meanings of dreams. One holiday, he asked about my journals and what was in them. The most important question was "how much are they?" I told him how much they were, and he laughed and said, "that's a lot of money for journals but I think I should be the judge of that". This was his way of asking for "FREEBIES". I told him I would give him some journals, but I never gave them in time.
Three months following that awesome holiday, he had got in touch with us (my siblings and I) to let us know that he has Cancer. This was the worst news I had ever received. I cried uncontrollably. Our next steps were to obviously stay strong and positive for him.
Our discussions about Te Ao Wairua continued as the weeks went by and then BOOM! he asked for the journals and YES! he was still being a clown about how much they cost even though Hes getting them for free! I prepared a box for him with full packaging and a few photos of us and his nephew. I had covid at the time, so I was unable to visit him in hospital which cut me deeply. I sent the box up with my twin sister and big brother who were traveling to see him. it took him 2 days to open the box because of all the visitors and treatments he had to go through.
There I am still in isolation and my brother James calls me. He was letting me know that he had opened the package and was amazed. "Sis these are mean. I thought you meant they were reading journals not writing ones. I fill it out now while you are on the phone. These are worth way more than $50 sis." My brother couldn't write so my sister in-law wrote for him. Lucky I was on the phone because my bro couldn't understand what it meant. He said, "how can anyone understand this language?" it's in the universal language of English by the way...... I replied "that's what happens when you don't finish school bro" laughing and joking around. The words he spoke were beautiful and also heartbreaking to hear. As he expresses himself in a loving and uplifting way, which is uncommon for him to do - all I can think about is wanting to be by him and crying silently on the phone. He managed to fill out 5 pages in the Gratitude journal and shared his thoughts about the journal "Sis, this is a cool journal. I'm going to fill it all out and when I finish the journal and kick Cancer's ass, I will give you the journal to keep." I told him I didn't want it, but he was sure that he was going to finish it and give it to me because that's his way of showing his support. Literally crying now as I fill this out!
Now that he had made a start on the Gratitude Journal I said, "You should give the Self-Love Journal to Sis or Promise, so they can fill it out". His reply was "Hell No! these are mine! I'm not giving them over" I thought that was funny considering he was always so sure of himself his whole life but if that's what he wanted then so be it.
This would be the last time he would fill any pages out in the journal. A few days later, my Big Brother passed away during his operation. There was talk of him being visited by our grandfather (he passed away while James was in jail unable to attend tangihanga) before passing.
I was at mahi, it was my first day with my students. 2pm, I received a call from my Aunty letting me know that there were complications during operation. He was known to still be alive at the time. Then the doctor called my Aunty (I have heaps) to let them know to hurry back to hospital room. It was at that moment when I felt an overwhelming energy. I could feel my brother coming down. He seemed at peace and surrounded by divine energy. I looked up at where I could feel him, and his last message was "I'm sorry Sis". I said to my Aunty Linda "Aunty, we need to go now". It would have been 2:15pm at the time. I was so unsure of what had just happened, but I knew in my heart my brother had passed. an hour later he was announced dead. I didn't know what time he had passed until I got to the hospital. He had passed 2:10pm 31st January 2023. Thats when I realized what I was experiencing. It was him coming to let me know had chosen his fate.
The next day, My Sis In-law gave me the box that I had the bros journals in. I cried! I didn't want to read it, but I did, and I cried even more. The messages that he left. My Sis had said that he wanted me to have them, so she gave them. Knowing full well that she would need them more, I left them for her to read through and finish when the time is right.
He showed me his love and support for what I was trying to create. He felt uplifted doing this for his little sister that he tried his best to support me this way. This is a memory I will forever treasure with my brother James, always. He knew how much he meant to us all and I will forever miss and love him. Until we meet again Brother, E au ai to moe my brother.
Comments
Post a Comment